


The Great Balamb Garden Murder

by GokuGirl



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Humor, Mystery, Out of Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-06-30
Updated: 2000-06-30
Packaged: 2018-04-05 17:33:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4188729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GokuGirl/pseuds/GokuGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a murder at Balamb Garden. Can Squall and Co. solve it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Great Balamb Garden Murder

**Author's Note:**

> **Note:** After the fight with Ultimecia.
> 
>  **Warning:** If you like Selphie, then you won't like this and general OOCness for all. (It is humor. I can do that.) I also have nothing against Rinoa. Just informing you.

Irvine Kinneas crept along the hallway outside Selphie Tilmit's dorm room, hoping that he could give her a good scare. He knocked on her door and moved to the side, out of range, do that he could jump out at her when she appeared. He waited a few minutes and nothing happened. So he knocked a second time.

Again, nothing happened.

Now by this time, Irvine was getting a little curious. Selphie always tended to answer her door about 10 seconds after the first knock since she was so hyper and everything. But this time that failed to happen. Irvine knocked again and called out softly.

"Sephie, are ya in there?" No response. Irvine turned the door knob and it swung open.

 _She never keeps the door unlocked, I wonder why it--_  His thoughts abruptly turned off at the sight on her floor.

There was Selphie Tilmit. Meek, little, 'I would never hurt a fly' Selphie Tilmit.  _His_  Selphie Tilmit lying there, on the floor, in a pool of her own blood. Irvine backed out of the room, slammed the door shut, and closed his eyes.  _I did not see what I thought I saw, I did not see what I thought I saw, I did not see..._  He repeated over and over again until he thought it was safe to open the door again. He walked into the room and blinked.

I guess I did see what I thought I saw after all...

***

"You gotta do something! We CAN NOT just let her death go unavenged like this!" Irvine shouted in Squall's face after he had ran to his office, practically broke the door down, and collapsed onto Squalls floor crying his eyes out. After Squall got through staring at him, he actually had some pretty good advice.

"Look, we don't know who did it and it isn't like anyone had a reason..." Zell shot him a look. "Okay,  _everyone_  had plenty of reason. I mean, she was too damn cheerful and overly annoying, and just too happy, and--" Squall paused. "I'm not helping, am I?"

"No. No you aren't."

"Let's interrogate everyone one-by-one. We could wear 'em down and get them to spill  _everything_." Zell suggested.

"We can't do that!" Rinoa protested. "I mean, the master of persuasion isn't even here!"

Quistis handed her the phone. "Rinoa, you know who to call."

"Right!"

***

20 minutes later, Seifer Almasy and Posse made their grand entrance into Balamb Garden.

So okay, it wasn't all that grand. I mean, a few kids looked his way, but most continued to do what they were doing before he had arrived.

"HEY! I'm the  _great_  Seifer Almasy! I deserve some recognition!"

"He's right, ya know!" Raijin cried.

"SEIFER FORGET. JOB NOW."

"You're right! Raijin, Fujin, lead the way to my office."

Fujin rolled her eyes. Maybe she could get a pin to pop his swollen head.

***

"NEXT!" Raijin shouted to the long line outside of a janitor closet down the hall from Squalls office. They had spent the better part of the day questioning the students and so far they had found out who had killed Headmaster Cid's pet goldfish, Fluffy; what the cafeteria meatloaf was  _really_  made out of; and that a girl named Melissa was the Headmasters sex slave (that Seifer regarded as a rumor and would cease to think about it because it was just plain disturbing). Nothing really important. The latest student was being helped out by his best-friend after he had a nervous breakdown and insisted that Seifer kill him now because he was worthless.

"This isn't getting us anywhere Puberty Boy," Seifer said irritatingly to Squall.

"Look, why don't you try it for a few hours more and maybe I'll allow you to quit, okay?"

" _Allow_  me?  _ **Allow**_  me?! You, Puberty Boy, are trying to give me, Seifer Almasy, orders? Are you insane?!"

"No, but sometimes I begin to wonder..."

"Okay,  _one_  more, but only that. You got that?"

"Whatever..." Then he turned and went to eat his noon meal in his private quarters with Rinoa tagging along on his heels like a puppy.

***

More hours went by until finally Seifer had gotten to everyone. Squall had convinced him that if he questioned everyone that he could get Cid to let him on as an "experimental SeeD". Mention SeeD and you can get Seifer to agree to just about anything.

"I have broken everyone in this stupid Garden -- by the way, at least 75 now require therapy and of those 75, 30  _might_  try to commit suicide within a month or so -- and not a one did it!" Then a lightbulb came on over his head. Actually, it more like flickered on (the bulb's dying).

"I've got it! You and your little friends are the only ones I didn't ask so therefore one of you did it!"

"How are you goin' to get something from that?" Zell seethed. "You idiot!"

"Hey! Watch who you're calling an idiot, Chicken Wuss. Rajin, put him on  _the list_!"

"Which one? You've got tons, ya know!"

"The list of stupid people to kill!"

"Got it!"

"And make sure you put a checkmark by it, he goes into the top 5."

"You can't accuse me of anything and I refuse to answer your questions, Seifer," Rinoa said firmly.

"Guys! Do this for Sephie!" Irvine pleaded. "She deserves some justice."

Everyone exchanged looks behind Irvine's back.

"Fine," Quistis spoke up. "We'll do it, regardless of that."

***

"Where were you on the night that the Cowboy Wannabe found the Hyper-girls' body?"

"It wasn't night," Squall answered.

Seifer's patience finally snapped. "JUST ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION!!"

"Don't yell at me just because I corrected you!" Squall cleared his throat. "I was in my office when it happened. Irvine came in crying and hysterical.

"I didn't ask you all of that. I said, 'where were you' not 'what you were doing and who happened to come in'."

"Well you should have!"

The blond began to message his temples and speak in a voice filled with forced calm. "No further questions. Please get out of my sight before I have to hurt you."

Squall glared before he stood and went moved away to stand by Rinoa.

"Fuj, handle this one. I need some Advil."

"ZELL. TURN."

After Zell had came over, relieved it wasn't Seifer interrogating him, she continued.

"WHERE WHEN SELPHIE KILLED?"

"I was in the cafeteria trying to get in line early enough. I eat hotdogs for breakfast too you know."

"NOT NEED KNOW THAT. NEXT!"

Rajin took over for her. It was Quistis' turn.

"Hey! Look!" Zell suddenly shouted.

"Not now, ya know!"

"This is important. I really think everyone needs to see this."

Squall knew he wasn't going to stop whining until they did so everyone crowded around Zell's laptop his parents had bought him.

"I know who killed Selphie." Zell declared when he had their full attention.

"Who did? Was it Nida?" Rinoa asked.

Zell looked confused. "Why would it be? No. She did."

"What do ya mean?" Rajin asked.

:Raijin," Zell began patiently, as if speaking to a three year old, "No one killed Selphie. She killed herself."

Quistis gasped. "How did you find this out?!"

"Look, her suicide note is right here on her website and by the looks of it, she  _wanted_  someone to stop her."

"No she didn't," Squall stated calmly.

"Why not?" Rinoa asked.

"She knows no one goes to her website!"


End file.
